the other side

Masih samar teringat di pikiran tentang beratnya hari-hari terakhir sebelum menyeberang ke tahun yang baru di Desember lalu. Tidak ada resolusi besar yang diumbar di media sosial seperti kaum netizen pada umumnya. Hanya ingin bertahan hidup meski jika sekadar hidup. Harapan dan rencana perihal ini dan itu masih ada meski entah kapan realisasinya. Sampai ketika suatu masa bernama pandemi membuyarkan semua. Adanya tuntutan dan kewajiban untuk menjaga diri serta orang lain dengan banyaknya kebiasaan baru sungguh berada di luar konsep awal bertahan hidup yang dipersiapkan. Sesak. Lelah. Takut. Cemas. Sulit. Sekian bulan berjalan dengan emosi yang naik turun semasa pandemi dan saya masih di sini, bersiap menyambut tahun yang baru. Terima kasih karena sudah menjadi filter untuk beragam karakter. Terima kasih karena akhirnya berlalu. Terima kasih, 2020.

K-Drama is the only series I mostly watch. I remember one named It's Okay To Not Be Okay. Honestly, it's kinda boring except the girl's outfit and the animation parts. Also, it feels like I can relate to some scenes. The loneliness and the nightmares of the girl. The unspoken feeling about the past of the boy. I could see the slideshow of me sobbing alone every single night till I got tired and sleep. How pathetic. Again, what do I expect from a movie or series? No matter how miserable the life, there is always a support system to make it through and a happy ending. While here I am, finishing the last episodes of every series only to be hit by the reality. (Day 12 - Favorite TV series)

Only for the sake of genetic relation. (Day 11 - Talk about your siblings)

 No one. (Day 10 - Your bestfriend)

Been years since the first time I said that happiness is a myth. I cried a lot, back then. (Well, actually I still do.) Being happy feels so expensive, I cannot afford it. Too much sorrow gets me like I do not deserve it what they call as a happiness. Sometimes I think I know how to make people happy. But most of the time, I have no idea about how to let myself experience that kind of feeling. There were times when I did really want to admit as a happy moment in my life. However, there are always this soft voice whispered in my head, saying "It's not happiness. Brace yourself for another phase of pain." So now it makes me awkward to say about that word or any related. I would rather describe it as a good feeling than saying that I am happy. Perhaps it is true that happiness is a myth since it would only happen to anyone who believe it. (Day 9 - Write about happiness)

There were times when I shared song lyrics with someone. I sent him my feelings, he sent me his favorites. There were times when I made a thread on Twitter and post on Blogger about songs crossing my mind. I spoke out my feelings through the lyrics. There were times when I played the same songs on repeat. I felt less lonely. There were times when I went to see a live music and shed tears. I got relieved to know someone seemed understand me. There were times when I stopped listening to the music. I was so messed up. There were times when I wanted go to the karaoke. I did and I still do. (Day 8 - The power of music)

Dear Theodore, I'm glad to know you. I love your story. I love your name. I love your job. I love your voice. I love the color of your clothes. About your feeling... That loneliness. That chemistry. That attachment. That loss. That despair. I can relate. I know how it feels. You are not alone. Hug, (Day 7 - Favorite Movie)