(Not My Kind Of) To Do List

Guess it's been zillion ages ago since the last time I put trust in someone. Breaking all the walls I made for such a long time. Uncovering each layer of me. My thought, my past, my dream, my feeling, my jokes, both the shitty and normal ones.

Every time I got disappointed over someone, I always blame myself. My bad to trust this person too much. My bad to crave for good things happen. I don't deserve kindness. I don't deserve any kind of relationship. I don't deserve people. What I am -sometimes- being afraid is if one day I think that I don't deserve to stay alive.
I have no idea about attention, care, love, and kind words. I am just such an amateur in terms of enjoying life. For me, having support system even just one single person is like a bullshit and surreal.
Well, but shit happened and here I am keep hurting myself by either trusting the wrong people or simply being over-insecure.
Maybe it's better to deal with all this miserable circle and get used to it.
To b…

Hey, Juli


Sebuah notifikasi tiba-tiba muncul dari handphonenya saat Juli baru saja mematikan lampu kamar dan ingin memejamkan matanya bersiap tidur. Diraihnya benda berbalut casing kuning polos yang memang terletak tidak jauh dari tempat tidurnya.
Apa sih jam segini…
“Hey, Juli”
Satu pesan singkat yang hanya terdiri dari dua kata.
Juli menyalakan lampu kamar dan terduduk di sisi tempat tidurnya, masih menatap layar handphone. Berulang-ulang dibacanya pesan tersebut seolah bisa membuat isinya bertambah.
Dilihatnya nama sang pengirim pesan.
Nama yang pernah begitu akrab.
Nama yang pernah memenuhi kotak pesan dan riwayat panggilannya.
Namun selama dua tahun terakhir, nama itu berubah menjadi asing. Hilang. Berganti ingatan berisi tanya, janji, rindu, apapun yang seolah bersahut-sahutan menghampirinya.
Ingatan tentang hadiah ulang tahun yang belum sempat diserahkan.
Ingatan tentang beragam kabar ini dan itu yang biasa dibagi bersama.
Ingatan tentang beberapa pesan terbaca yang tidak berbalas.


Sudah tahun baru, lakukanlah ini dan itu.
Sudah tahun baru, mulailah melihat dunia luar.
Sudah tahun baru, jujurlah dengan perasaanmu.
Sudah tahun baru, tersenyumlah.
Sudah tahun baru, keluarkan sampah di kepalamu.
Sudah tahun baru, melangkahlah sedikit lebih jauh.
Sudah tahun baru, lupakan apa yang seharusnya.
Sudah tahun baru, lepaskan yang selama ini membuat terikat.
Sudah tahun baru, beristirahatlah sesukamu.
Sudah tahun baru, jangan lagi sering menangis.
Sudah tahun baru, belajarlah untuk bahagia.
Sudah tahun baru, kenali dirimu.

A Proper Closure

I am sorry for all you've been through during 2018.

I am sorry for all the broken promises you had in the beginning of the year.
I am sorry for the nights you stayed up alone, trembling and crying silently.
I am sorry for wasting your time on the wrong people for the sake of something new.
I am sorry for ignoring you, giving up for too many times.
I am sorry for not even know how to please you, how to get chill, and stuff.
I am sorry for getting you trapped in your walls.
I am sorry for keep making you believe that happiness is a myth.
I am sorry for letting you lose your trust and fill your head with what if's.
I am sorry for this kind of life you have to live, seems unbearable but you have to keep going.
Now here we are, survived the whole year.
Be strong, since 2019 is coming.

Dear Santa...

"Since Christmas was over, are you really not coming and giving me something sweet? Again?

I am not saying that I've been a good one for the whole year, but...
What does 'good' means, anyway? To whom?
When it comes about personal, like self-love, I guess it's acceptable for you not to count me in.
But I cried a lot this year. No, it's even way too much.

Thought I deserve a thing or two to cheer me up. No?

Ahh.. Is it because I keep saying that 'happiness is a myth'? As if I refuse the fact that you exist?

Okay whatever with being good and stuff. I just love the way you look, anyway. You make me survive December and I thank you for that."


Hari itu aku menangis.
Lalu kamu datang dan aku merasa bahwa semua bisa baik-baik saja.

Hari ini aku menangis.
Saat kamu pergi dan aku merasa bahwa semua bisa baik-baik saja.

A Farewell Note

I was serious when I talked about a chance to get better with you.
Turned out that I was wrong and damn it hurts.

Never knew that it would be this much.
Almost unbearable.

Leaving me with why's and what if's.

I am not surprised but still, this heart-ache is killing me.

You are pretty good to make me feel bad enough about myself.
I thank and congratulate you for that.

If only I could turn back time, I still want to redo what we shared together cause that was the first time I felt alive since I don't know.

Cheers and good luck for your life.