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Selamat Tinggal

Rasanya saya tidak pernah tahu cara yang tepat untuk menciptakan sebuah perpisahan. Antara tidak mau atau tidak mampu. Entahlah. Lima belas tahun lalu, saya menjalin sebuah hubungan yang tidak pernah terpikir sama sekali saat itu akan bertahan sedemikian lama. Jika ditanya seberapa dekat. Kami bertemu hampir setiap hari. Jika ditanya seberapa nyaman. Belasan tahun adalah pembuktian betapa nyaman dan terbiasa bagaikan dua sisi mata uang. Jika ditanya seberapa banyak saya tertawa atau menangis. Terlalu banyak. Jika ditanya seberapa sering saya ingin mengucap pisah. Terlalu sering. Seiring dengan berjalannya waktu, saya menyadari bahwa hubungan ini tidak lain adalah satu-satunya distraksi yang saya miliki untuk meredam keributan di kepala. Alasan terkuat agar saya bisa terus menjalani hidup. Alasan terbaik agar saya bisa terlihat normal seperti orang lain pada umumnya. Seolah-olah seperti itu. Tanpa sadar bahwa semakin lama keributan itu pergi menyisakan kekosongan yang membuat sesak. Ras

A Love Letter in The New Year

Pandemic been hitting me (and this whole world) damn hard. Never thought that I would be this relieved and thankful in surviving 2020. For the first time in my life, someone got me to break my walls and open up my layers. For the first time in my life, someone got me to tell to myself that I don't wanna be alone, I wanna be loved, and I wanna be happy cause I deserve it. For the first time in my life, I do not have to beg for attention or affection from one. He came unexpectedly and decided to stay. He makes me laugh. He is there when I cry. He feeds me a lot. He listens to my jokes and stories. He lets me be myself. He says good things about me and corrects me when I am wrong. He protects me and puts myself first. He promises to take care of me. He deals well with my mood-swing. He thinks about this and that on behalf of me. He gets me believe in a relationship. I started 2020 with tears but I ended it with smile because of him. He is my very best important person that I wanna mak

Terima Kasih, 2020

Masih samar teringat di pikiran tentang beratnya hari-hari terakhir sebelum menyeberang ke tahun yang baru di Desember lalu. Tidak ada resolusi besar yang diumbar di media sosial seperti kaum netizen pada umumnya. Hanya ingin bertahan hidup meski jika sekadar hidup. Harapan dan rencana perihal ini dan itu masih ada meski entah kapan realisasinya. Sampai ketika suatu masa bernama pandemi membuyarkan semua. Adanya tuntutan dan kewajiban untuk menjaga diri serta orang lain dengan banyaknya kebiasaan baru sungguh berada di luar konsep awal bertahan hidup yang dipersiapkan. Sesak. Lelah. Takut. Cemas. Sulit. Sekian bulan berjalan dengan emosi yang naik turun semasa pandemi dan saya masih di sini, bersiap menyambut tahun yang baru. Terima kasih karena sudah menjadi filter untuk beragam karakter. Terima kasih karena akhirnya berlalu. Terima kasih, 2020.

I'm Not Okay And It Shouldn't Be Okay

K-Drama is the only series I mostly watch. I remember one named It's Okay To Not Be Okay. Honestly, it's kinda boring except the girl's outfit and the animation parts. Also, it feels like I can relate to some scenes. The loneliness and the nightmares of the girl. The unspoken feeling about the past of the boy. I could see the slideshow of me sobbing alone every single night till I got tired and sleep. How pathetic. Again, what do I expect from a movie or series? No matter how miserable the life, there is always a support system to make it through and a happy ending. While here I am, finishing the last episodes of every series only to be hit by the reality. (Day 12 - Favorite TV series)

By Blood

Only for the sake of genetic relation. (Day 11 - Talk about your siblings)

Friendship Is A Myth

 No one. (Day 10 - Your bestfriend)

Happiness Is A Myth

Been years since the first time I said that happiness is a myth. I cried a lot, back then. (Well, actually I still do.) Being happy feels so expensive, I cannot afford it. Too much sorrow gets me like I do not deserve it what they call as a happiness. Sometimes I think I know how to make people happy. But most of the time, I have no idea about how to let myself experience that kind of feeling. There were times when I did really want to admit as a happy moment in my life. However, there are always this soft voice whispered in my head, saying "It's not happiness. Brace yourself for another phase of pain." So now it makes me awkward to say about that word or any related. I would rather describe it as a good feeling than saying that I am happy. Perhaps it is true that happiness is a myth since it would only happen to anyone who believe it. (Day 9 - Write about happiness)