the other side

Masih samar teringat di pikiran tentang beratnya hari-hari terakhir sebelum menyeberang ke tahun yang baru di Desember lalu. Tidak ada resolusi besar yang diumbar di media sosial seperti kaum netizen pada umumnya. Hanya ingin bertahan hidup meski jika sekadar hidup. Harapan dan rencana perihal ini dan itu masih ada meski entah kapan realisasinya. Sampai ketika suatu masa bernama pandemi membuyarkan semua. Adanya tuntutan dan kewajiban untuk menjaga diri serta orang lain dengan banyaknya kebiasaan baru sungguh berada di luar konsep awal bertahan hidup yang dipersiapkan. Sesak. Lelah. Takut. Cemas. Sulit. Sekian bulan berjalan dengan emosi yang naik turun semasa pandemi dan saya masih di sini, bersiap menyambut tahun yang baru. Terima kasih karena sudah menjadi filter untuk beragam karakter. Terima kasih karena akhirnya berlalu. Terima kasih, 2020.

K-Drama is the only series I mostly watch. I remember one named It's Okay To Not Be Okay. Honestly, it's kinda boring except the girl's outfit and the animation parts. Also, it feels like I can relate to some scenes. The loneliness and the nightmares of the girl. The unspoken feeling about the past of the boy. I could see the slideshow of me sobbing alone every single night till I got tired and sleep. How pathetic. Again, what do I expect from a movie or series? No matter how miserable the life, there is always a support system to make it through and a happy ending. While here I am, finishing the last episodes of every series only to be hit by the reality. (Day 12 - Favorite TV series)

Only for the sake of genetic relation. (Day 11 - Talk about your siblings)

 No one. (Day 10 - Your bestfriend)

Been years since the first time I said that happiness is a myth. I cried a lot, back then. (Well, actually I still do.) Being happy feels so expensive, I cannot afford it. Too much sorrow gets me like I do not deserve it what they call as a happiness. Sometimes I think I know how to make people happy. But most of the time, I have no idea about how to let myself experience that kind of feeling. There were times when I did really want to admit as a happy moment in my life. However, there are always this soft voice whispered in my head, saying "It's not happiness. Brace yourself for another phase of pain." So now it makes me awkward to say about that word or any related. I would rather describe it as a good feeling than saying that I am happy. Perhaps it is true that happiness is a myth since it would only happen to anyone who believe it. (Day 9 - Write about happiness)

There were times when I shared song lyrics with someone. I sent him my feelings, he sent me his favorites. There were times when I made a thread on Twitter and post on Blogger about songs crossing my mind. I spoke out my feelings through the lyrics. There were times when I played the same songs on repeat. I felt less lonely. There were times when I went to see a live music and shed tears. I got relieved to know someone seemed understand me. There were times when I stopped listening to the music. I was so messed up. There were times when I wanted go to the karaoke. I did and I still do. (Day 8 - The power of music)

Dear Theodore, I'm glad to know you. I love your story. I love your name. I love your job. I love your voice. I love the color of your clothes. About your feeling... That loneliness. That chemistry. That attachment. That loss. That despair. I can relate. I know how it feels. You are not alone. Hug, (Day 7 - Favorite Movie)

Being single while your age hit 30 something could be hard. (At least in my world) What people see... I am weird. I am too picky. I get busy with works. I do not love my parents that much to let them see me wearing a wedding gown before they die. I will spend the rest of my life lonely and miserably. What I feel... Yea, right. I am weird enough, I do not understand myself and have no idea what to explain or how or why should I. To get along with someone is one thing, to connect emotionally is another story. Going to work and getting back home is such my default route. Not only it makes me busy but also bored, tired, stressful, and other shit. It is saddening to hear people throw such a bullshit about the way I live my life. As if I made a huge mistake. As if all of them are hitting the life goal perfectly by simply having a relationship. As if being single is a dirty sin and the rest of my life is pointless and a mess. To be honest, I almost never pictured myself in a marriage but ther

This would make me sound like an ungrateful one, but there are times when I wish to have a different kind of relationship with my parents. Who knows it is gonna make things different. At least, I think so. (Day 5 - Your parents)

Late night calls. Countless chat. Pages of song lyrics. Endless quotes and poems and idioms and weird words. Shared food and stories and silence and (almost) sleeping voice. Mandatory good morning and good night (include pre-sleep wish). Recalling all those stuff for the sake of remembering one. You. (Day 3 - Memory)

 "What is your hobby?" How many times that we got that question, verbally or simply in a piece of form? Most common or favorite answers would be any kind of activities like singing, cooking, doing sport, playing games, etc. Few years ago, I would put reading as my first answer and continue with writing. Back then, I could tell that they are my hobbies. Things that distracted me from a hustle-bustle life. However, there was a time when I asked myself, "does it make you happy, to read or write some?". I got no answer at that time. Right, what is hobby if it cannot make you happy? Should I feel happy doing something? What if I just wanna get myself busy and I don't care about being happy? So here I am, wondering about things that make me happy. Talking with the right person about this and that. Laughing at jokes and memes I saw on social media. Picturing myself in a different situation. Chatting with random strangers. Speaking out my chaotic mind. Finally seems lik

One of my favorite lines when there are somebody new that I want to keep having a convo with is: "give me 5 words about yourself". It's interesting to see how they push themselves just to give me 5 words. "What do you mean with 5 words?" "Should it be a thing or a sentence?" "This is hard cause I prefer to say words about me." ...and any giving up answers. I would give them a clue like "anything, whatever. Things you like or dislike, just say it." With that simple 5 words, we could get to know each other better. I guess so. Well, at least I tried. However, when I am in their place, it would get me speechless. Totally. Yeah right, how come those simple 5 words can describe the complicated human being like me? So I was having a serious thought to make a template of the answer if only one day someone would ask. Here they are, 5 (current) words about myself: random - awkward - chatty - moody - detail There were times when we were asked

Tahun ini dimulai dengan air mata tanpa henti di sebuah kamar di daerah Setiabudi. Ledakan kembang api bersahutan yang hanya bisa dilihat sambil duduk di sudut ruangan, meringkuk memeluk diri. Baju dan rambut setengah basah, sekujur tubuh menggigil kedinginan, jemari gemetar tanpa henti. Sebisa mungkin menghentikan kilasan tentang apa yang sudah terjadi sepanjang hari. Dua puluh empat jam menuju satu Januari. Enam bulan berselang. Pandemi datang. Jarak fisik dan sosial mulai terbentang. Rencana melakukan ini dan itu serta keinginan bertemu orang -orang baru terpaksa harus dibuang. Dua puluh hari menuju hari lahir. Bulan ini dimulai dengan satu harapan sederhana. Melakukan satu-satunya hal yang tidak pernah ada di dalam rencana. Berbahagia, entah caranya bagaimana.

Hey, kamu. Kamu adalah orang pertama di tahun ini yang signifikan... ...yang membuatku nyaman. ...yang membuatku awur-awuran. ...yang membuatku bertahan. Saat aku kerap menghujanimu dengan banyak sekali pesan yang sebagian besar berisi keluhan, kamu mampu meyakinkan kalau aku tidak akan pernah sendirian hanya lewat sebuah sapaan. Tak jarang kamu membuatku menunggu balasan hingga di jam kesekian. Tak jarang aku membuatmu menunggu hingga aku ketiduran sebelum mengakhiri percakapan. Aku menyebut diriku merepotkan. Kamu menyebut dirimu perhatian. Jika demikian, izinkan aku malam ini sedikit saja, sebentar saja, sekadar menuangkan perasaan. Boleh kan? Ya, aku merindumu.

Tidak peduli seberapa besarnya usahaku melupakanmu, rasanya tetap saja aku kalah. Terlalu banyak. Iya, terlalu banyak kenangan tentangmu di kepalaku. Tidak, bukan hanya tentangmu melainkan juga tentang kita. Minuman kesukaanmu. Makanan yang ingin kita makan bersama. Deretan tempat impianku yang katamu akan kita datangi satu persatu. Pertanyaan basa basi yang selalu terasa hangat meski memang hanya bersifat rutinitas. Pertanyaan yang tidak jarang hanya terkirim tanpa tahu kapan akan terbaca dan terjawab. Itu namanya perhatian, katamu. Kesibukan masing-masing yang tidak pernah menjadi alasan untuk menghilang. Penting tapi ga segitunyalah, katamu. Lelah seolah mampu terobati hanya dengan percakapan dini hari yang berisi lelucon yang itu-itu saja dan suara dengkuran halus yang tidak lagi tertahan di jam kesekian. Seolah  Aku mengingat itu semua. Entah bagaimana denganmu. " Tahuuu buuulat... Digoreng da da kan! Lima ratusan, hangat-hangat! Nyauuuw..."

#2020bertemu adalah sebuah tagar yang mendadak muncul di kepala beberapa waktu lalu, dalam rangka suasana tahun baru. Awalnya, di bulan Desember saya pernah menuliskan  seperti ini  di akun Twitter:   Saat itu menurut saya #2020bertemu adalah ungkapan yang cukup menarik sebagai ucapan tahun baru. Sekadar permainan rima kata tanpa arti lebih dari ajakan bertemu. Lalu saya teringat salah satu resolusi di tahun sebelumnya yaitu ingin bertemu lebih banyak orang baru, direncanakan atau tidak. Semacam keinginan untuk menjadi pribadi yang "normal" dan mau membuka diri. Sayangnya, 2019 sepertinya bukan waktu yang tepat. Jangankan untuk bertemu orang baru, bahkan sekadar menjalani rutinitas harian saja rasanya begitu berat dan menyesakkan. Oleh karena itu, tahun ini saya berniat sedikit menantang diri sendiri melalui tagar #2020bertemu serta menceritakannya di sini. Tujuannya adalah mengukur kenyamanan diri dalam hal berinteraksi sekaligus meredam bising di kepala di lu