I couldn't recall the first time I realized that something's been wrong with the way I live.
Things seemed okay for about 20 years I have been part of this world.
"Okay" sounds too much so let's say it is bearable enough.
There were so-called friends and even crush.
I had laugh over nothing and everything.
Tried to do this and that, spent time here and there.
At least, I did my work well.
At least, I had people to talk to.
At least, I could eat and sleep as it was supposed to be.
At least, I lived.
Never thought about living as a broken-hearted one.
Never thought about promising self over and over to be less pathetic.
Never thought about being alone is such a bliss yet suffocating.
Never thought about life could be shitty enough to hit me hard.
Well, look at me now.
I'm tired. So much. Too tired, I have no words to say. People, work, life, even with myself.
I cry. A lot. It's not about me being sad anymore. Anger, disappointment, desperateness, any kind of negative vibes. They are just rolling down my face so many time, I get used to it. Unexpressed emotions, unspoken feeling.
I give up with myself. What is dream? What is passion? What is happiness?
I've been hurt, I don't think it is cureable. Too hurt, I failed to think about what I was before or what I really am.
"Don't look back.", "Things would be okay.", "This too, shall pass.", "Love yourself" That's what they said and share.
I'm sorry to say that all of them is bullshit. At least for me. At least for now. Come on, people... Stop it!
By the way, I think it's time to let all the wasted years gone.
Still have no idea how to start my life, but I'm trying.
Getting along with people is such the least point of my to-do-list before I die.
This doesn't mean I am stronger enough, moving on from the numb phase. No, I'm still on my way there.
I just feel sorry for myself. That's it.
At the end, here what I really want to say to my dearest broken soul:
"Happiness is a myth. You don't have to be happy. Enough trying to afford it or even worse to fake it. Stop it. Please. Just live your life well. Don't hurt others. Forget happiness, just be okay."